As I started my training as a program assistant (PA), I have noticed couple of issues about myself that I need to work on. As a team we went camping to Sawtooth mountains. The backpacking trip with my fellow PA's and the work of our supervisor and trip coordinator created an environment to explore a lot about myself and to build connection with other PA's. One important thing that I noticed about myself is that some time I struggle with very minor but impulsive behaviors. One time, one of our team member was trying to dig a hole in the ground to pour the dirty water that needs to be disposed. As my teammate was trying to dig the hole, the soil kept falling back in the hole. That could have been avoided if the soil was thrown far away from the hole. I was watching the soil fall back into the hole. I wasn't angry or mad or anything like that. But, I had an impulse and I suggested something to the person who was digging the hole. Maybe it would have taken few more minutes and the job would have been done but I couldn't wait for that. I was being very impatient by such a simple task. I couldn't hold myself for a while and let it go. I was very anxious to make a suggestion and change it right away. After sometime of this event, I asked a very simple question to myself, "Why did I had to say anything to that person and change what was happening?" I could have just stopped myself from commenting or suggesting my solution to the problem I observed. I could have just observed and not made any suggestion. Maybe the person could have found a better alternative. Why do I have to change someone else if I am already so far away from peace and perfection?
When, I reflect back on this specific event, I ask myself a very simple question, Was I really at Peace with myself when I made the suggestion or commented to the person next to me? Can I be at peace with myself if I have such an impulse to make the change around me? Is it a bad thing to make a suggestion? I don't think the person next to me was offended by my suggestion but I was at war with myself for my impulsive behavior. Was I at peace when I made that suggestion? I wasn't at war with the person next to me. I think I was at war with myself. Do I always have to be at Peace? The book that we read, Anatomy of Peace, talks about being at Peace and not being at war with others but can I be at war with myself? Sometime I am at war with myself. If something goes wrong for any of the things that happens around me, I always try to question myself before I talk to anyone else and go to war with myself. My hope for this year or maybe for the rest of my life is to learn how to let go things that I shouldn't interfere with. I am going to struggle with the idea of being a leader. If I cannot understand or assess my presence, how can I be able to assess people around me. I know I am going to struggle in finding balance in the war that I am in with my own self to help find balance in others around me.
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